Our qualified sexologist Jamie Bucirde answers your questions on love, sex and relationships each fortnight. This week, she gives advice on reaching orgasm and planning a threesome.

Q1: Hey Jamie! I’m a woman and I feel broken, because I’m unable to have orgasms with my male partner. I’ve been in an off-and-on again relationship for a few years now. I really enjoy sex, and love to please my partner, but most of the time I just fake it. I just don’t think I ever will. Is there something wrong with me?

Hi honey!

First of all, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you and you are not broken. It is extremely common for women not to reach orgasm. Did you know that approximately 85 per cent of women can’t orgasm from penetrative sex alone? 85 per cent!

There is a huge misconception that women have orgasms easily with penetrative sex. This is influenced by movies, mainstream media and a lack of pleasure-centred sex ed growing up. Culturally, we call this the orgasm gap.

Another study has shown that at least 92 per cent of women orgasm when pleasuring themselves. I’m curious to know if you’ve had orgasms before when engaging in solo sex. If so, there is a very high chance you can reach an orgasm, but you might need to bring more pleasurable activities for yourself into the bedroom.

It’s also extremely common for women to fake orgasms, the thing I’d like to offer you is that by faking orgasms, you’re teaching your partner exactly what NOT to do to get you off.

Sex should be about mutual pleasure, and as soon as you take off the pressure from reaching orgasm to one of feeling the sensation of pleasure in the moment, you can start to relax into your body more. More importantly, if you feel entitled to pleasure, it’ll increase your agency in telling your partner what you want sexually confidently. You deserve to feel good, just as much as your partner.

Start with the basics. Spend time alone engaging in solo sex to really notice what sensations and feelings feel good for you. Have you ever tried a vibrator in the bedroom? This is a great way to have penetrative sex whilst also getting clitoral stimulation. Making clit stimulation a regular part of your sex routine is one of the best ways to help you reach orgasm. Certain positions are excellent for clitoral stimulation too – my favourites are the side spoon position or you on top.

Also, check out OMGyes.com – this is a great website for vulva owners that shares tips on how to masturbate, how to reach orgasm and has findings from the largest-ever research study on women’s pleasure. I’ve learned so many fun tips this way!

Q2: I really want to have a threesome but I’m scared to ask my partner. Our sex life is pretty good, but I want to try new things and want to do it together. How can I bring it up without hurting their feelings?

Hey reader,

I love this question! It’s fantastic that you want to spice up your sex life. Prioritising new things sexually with your partner can help build intimacy, trust and excitement – variety is adult play!

Threesomes are fun and they can be really hot if you’ve set it up the right way. Communication is key here.

Firstly, you must expect that your partner might not come around to it straight away – and that’s ok. Engage in an open and vulnerable conversation about wanting to try new things and wanting to do it together. The most important part is letting your partner know it’s a journey you’re engaging in together. Bring up your fantasies and desires, and ask your partner to share the same.

The next step is establishing clear boundaries. Establish what both of your boundaries are and where the line is for you both (also keep in mind these boundaries may naturally change as you test the waters). It can be extremely fun picking a third together! It may be that you want to do it with a stranger, or a close friend.

Establish lines of communication and keep the conversation going regularly. There could be times when one feels jealous or unloved, and it’ll be about maintaining open communication throughout the process and giving space for emotions without getting defensive or judgemental.

Take the time to establish trust and go at a pace that makes both yourself and your partner feel comfortable! I’m a firm believer that the best things come in threes – good luck!

Jamie Bucirde has a post graduate degree in sexology from Curtin University. Her advice is of a general nature and should be taken in the spirit of the column.