Our resident sexologist Jamie Bucirde responds to a reader question about being too intimidating in the dating game.

As a precursor to this column piece, I’d like to acknowledge that this conversation has been coming up a lot in my own life. As smart, successful women continue to thrive, we are constantly told that we’re “too intimidating”. This is a love letter to all women who are told they’re too much.

Q: Dear Jamie,

I’m a 25-year-old woman, am currently single and have been casually dating for about a year since my last breakup. I’m pretty confident and well spoken, and I also have a successful job and understand my worth – aka I don’t really take shit from people anymore. I’ve been told by a few men I’ve dated now that they find me intimidating. I’m starting to question myself and if I come across as too much? How do I stay true to myself while also not intimidating men I want to date?

Dear hot and intimidating,

This conversation is happening more often than you might think, and as a fellow ‘intimidating’ woman, I want to start by assuring you that you are not alone.

First and foremost, never dilute yourself for anyone, especially not for a man. Shrinking yourself to make others feel more comfortable isn’t just a personal disservice; it’s also a win for the outdated, patriarchal idea that women should be small and accommodating. How many times must women be told they’re “too loud,” “too much,” or “too intimidating” before we collectively decide to live unapologetically?

If a man finds you intimidating, it’s often a reflection of his own insecurities. The right man will see your confidence, success, and strength as attractive qualities, not something to shy away from. Remember, you deserve to date men, not boys. The men who appreciate and celebrate you for who you are. The ones who aren’t threatened by your success, are the ones worth your time!

So, how do you stay true to yourself while navigating the dating scene? Here are my tips:

Embrace Your Strengths: Own your confidence and success. These are qualities you’ve worked hard to cultivate, and they are integral to who you are. Keep setting boundaries, knowing your worth, and never apologising for your accomplishments. I keep a gratitude journal where I write down five things I love and value about myself daily. Try it out and it will remind you of how great you are!

Cultivate a Positive Mindset: Instead of viewing your confidence as something that might push others away, see it as a filter that helps weed out those who aren’t right for you. The men who are truly interested in you will appreciate you for exactly who you are. 

Focus on Compatibility: Look for men who are secure in themselves and seek out relationships where mutual respect and admiration are at the core. These are men who won’t just tolerate your success, they’ll cheer you on every step of the way.

Expand Your Horizons: Sometimes it’s not about changing yourself but changing your environment. Try dating in circles where your confidence is more likely to be appreciated. This could be through professional networking events, interest-based groups, or even online dating platforms that cater to successful, career-driven individuals.

Trust the Process: It might take time, but holding out for the right person who loves and respects you for who you are is worth it. In the meantime, continue to build a life you love, surround yourself with supportive people, and enjoy the journey.

Finally, remember that your confidence and assertiveness are assets, not liabilities. The right person will not only find these qualities attractive but will also rise to meet you at your level.

So, if someone tells you that you’re too much, take it as a sign that they’re not enough for you and keep moving forward. If a man finds you intimidating, it may be time to thank them for their service, kiss them on the forehead and say goodbye. The right man will see your strength as something to cherish, not fear. 

Keep being your incredible self, and don’t settle for anything less than you deserve!

Stay safe and stay sexy.

Jamie Bucirde has a postgraduate degree in sexology from Curtin University. Her advice is of a general nature and should be taken in the spirit of the column.