Our resident sexologist Jamie Bucirde answers your questions on love, sex and relationships each fortnight.

My deepest desire is to live in a world where all humans feel comfortable engaging in conversations about their sex lives. Part of the fun of having sex is being able to talk about it! So here I am Adelaide.

No question is too silly, too embarrassing, too saucy or too shameful to be answered. I hope that by answering your questions, I not only help you feel more comfortable with your sexual self but that others reading these questions also feel better about theirs.

Q: How do I get out of my head during sex? I’m constantly wondering if what I’m doing is enough/good enough for my partner. I feel so guilty because I have great sex with my partner and it’s the perfect amount of passion/affection/kinks etc. I almost have this constantly niggling feeling in my head of wondering if there’s more I could be doing/if he’s completely enjoying himself. How do I loosen up and let go a bit when having sex so that it isn’t a shadow in the back of my mind?

A: Hey there,

Firstly, thank you for being my first willing CityMag participant! I wanted to start this off by saying that this is a completely common thing to experience. Not only have I experienced getting trapped in my own head during sex, but I’ve also had countless friends (of all genders) express the same thing to me. Even if the sex is great, it’s normal to question if you’re good enough. Sex can be awkward, and we want to know if we’re pleasing our partners! I’d like to tackle this question as a two-parter:

Part one: Mindfulness

Getting trapped by negative thoughts during sex can be exhausting.

What I’d recommend is trying to practise mindfulness during sex. What can happen when we get caught up in our  ‘thinking’ brain is that we forget about the ‘feeling’ part. When you find yourself starting to think negatively, try pulling yourself into the present moment. It’s much like meditation.

Every time you veer off on a rogue thought, bring yourself back to the present. What can you see? What can you feel?  What can you taste and what can you touch in the present moment? Maybe it’s a body-on-body sensation, sexy music playing in the background, or the smell of your partner’s fragrance or natural odour. It’s hard to get distracted by your thoughts when you’re so focused on what’s going on in front of you! This takes practice, much like meditation does, so don’t beat yourself up if it takes a few goes to feel truly present. 

Have you heard of mindful masturbation? I’d also recommend giving this a go!

This is something you can do solo, focusing on being present with yourself while you engage in solo sex. Engaging in mindful self pleasure combines the principles of mindfulness with self-exploration, offering the potential to enhance your intimate experiences, both for yourself and partners.

Start by exploring pleasurable sensations throughout your entire body – from non-sexual body parts to erogenous zones. If you focus on the sensation rather than achieving orgasm you can learn to become more present during sex. Whilst orgasms are fun, it doesn’t have to be the end goal! Prioritise your pleasure, not the pressure of the big O.

Part Two: Communication

As cliche as this is, communication is key! Why not open up a conversation about your sex life and ask if there’s anything new that your partner would like to try?

Opening up and starting an honest conversation about it can give them the space to tell you about their desires, fantasies, kinks or fetishes too! Hopefully, you’ll both learn something new about each other, which only strengthens the sex you’re already having.

Even though your experience and feelings are totally valid, chances are, your partner is having a great time – otherwise, they most likely wouldn’t be having sex with you! If you are lacking self-confidence, I would recommend bringing this up with your partner. A lot of the time, all we’re looking for is a compliment or two on how sexy we are or how good the sex feels for the other (hello praise kink).

Whilst a lot of people love positive reinforcement, a praise kink is something you have a sexual response to. It’s definitely on the softer side of the kink scale, but it’s still real and totally worth exploring if you’re into it.

Regardless if you’ve got a praise kink, or if you’re looking for some reassurance from your partner, by expressing how you’re feeling it will give your partner the opportunity to meet you halfway and help fulfil your needs. Why not ask them to give you some compliments during sex? I personally LOVE sexy compliments, and it always makes me feel great and more engaged with my partner/s.

Don’t forget that you are good enough, you are sexy and you have a whole lifetime of great sex ahead of you!

Got a question? Send it to me at jamie@onthecusp.au to be answered in our fortnightly Q&A.