This week, CityMag's resident sexologist answers a question about a lesser-talked about sexuality and using mirrors in the bedroom.

This weeks’ Q&A question is really interesting as it explores a less talked about type of sexual orientation. Although the phrase ‘autosexuality’ has been around since the 1900s, I’ve noticed it coming up a lot more in conversations on modern sexuality. There’s also not much research on autosexuality as an orientation, which I find equally as fascinating.

I mean hell, who doesn’t love watching themselves in the mirror every now and then?

Q: Hey Jamie,

For a few years now, I’ve only been able to get myself off if I watch myself in the mirror. 

I recently found out about a term called ‘AutoSexual’ and I’m pretty sure that’s what I am although I don’t know much about it. I’m 29, a man and am in a straight relationship. I do find my girlfriend attractive however I want to learn to integrate autosexuality into our sex life. How can I bring this up with her without freaking her out?

Hi there! First of all, kudos to you for being open and curious about your sexuality. Autosexuality, or being sexually attracted to yourself, can be a fulfilling part of your sexual identity, and it’s great that you want to integrate it into your relationship. Before I go into a few helpful tips about how you can bring this up with your girlfriend, I want to break down a few key terms and the differences between them to fully understand what autosexuality is versus other relevant sexual terms.

Autosexuality refers to people who are sexually attracted to themselves, deriving pleasure from their own bodies, appearance, or actions. This can manifest as self-stimulation or fantasising about yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t find others attractive, but rather, that you get additional pleasure from yourself.

Autoeroticism, on the other hand, refers to sexual activities, like masturbation, performed alone without necessarily involving self-attraction. It’s more about engaging in solo sexual activities rather than being aroused by yourself.

Narcissism, unlike autosexuality or autoeroticism, is a personality trait where one has an excessive need for admiration and often lacks empathy. Narcissists may focus on their appearance but not in a purely sexual way. For a narcissist, it’s about validation rather than sexual pleasure.

The key difference is that autosexuality is a specific sexual orientation involving self-arousal, while narcissism is about self-centeredness in nonsexual aspects of life, and autoeroticism simply refers to engaging in solo sexual activities without the self-focus that autosexuality does.

In your case, using a mirror to masturbate suggests a level of self-attraction or fascination with your own body, which aligns with the concept of autosexuality. However, it’s essential to recognise that your feelings of self-attraction and your attraction to your partner are not mutually exclusive. You can still be deeply connected to your girlfriend while embracing this aspect of your sexuality and it is really normal.

When discussing autosexuality with your girlfriend, consider starting by explaining what it means to you personally. Share how it enhances your own sexual experience and turns you on, and make it clear that it’s not a reflection of her or your relationship. A gentle and open conversation is key here. It’s a great segue because chances are ( hopefully), because she’s your girlfriend, she’s also attracted to you, so it’s something you can bond over.

You could say something like, “I’ve been working on myself and reflecting on my sexuality and discovered that I’m autosexual, which means I get turned on by myself when I masturbate. It’s something I’ve come to understand about myself, and I’d love for us to explore how it could play a role in our sex life together, if you’re open to it.”

The goal here is to frame the discussion as an opportunity for deeper intimacy, rather than something that might make her feel insecure. By keeping the conversation positive, you reassure her that you’re still very attracted to her. Although autosexuality isn’t as widely discussed as other sexual orientations, it’s not uncommon. It’s part of the broader spectrum of human sexuality, and embracing it can actually enrich your sex life, both individually and as a couple. Let her know that sexual preferences and kinks vary from person to person. You could normalise it by explaining that many people find different elements of sexual play stimulating. This isn’t about choosing yourself over her; it’s about inviting her into a fuller experience of who you are sexually. It might help to ask if she has any fantasies or sexual preferences that she’d like to discuss. Inviting a two-way conversation can ease the tension and make her feel more comfortable.

Once the initial conversation goes well, you can explore how to incorporate autosexuality into your sex life together. Try asking your girlfriend if she’d be open to incorporating mirrors or other elements that heighten your self-pleasure. It could be as simple as experimenting with positions where you can watch yourself in a mirror or using reflective surfaces as part of your foreplay.

Mirrors are a hot addition to any bedroom, and I’d 100 per cent recommend them! Start slow and check in with her throughout the experience. Communication will be key to ensuring she’s comfortable and enjoying the experience too. Be open to her thoughts and feedback on how to balance your autosexual desires with your connection as a couple.

Sex is not only about physical pleasure but emotional intimacy. When you start integrating your autosexuality into your relationship, make sure that it doesn’t overshadow the importance of your girlfriend’s pleasure and needs too. Ask her how she feels about the idea and if there’s anything she’d like to explore so you can make it a collaborative effort versus fulfilling your own needs. This will help create space for both of you to enjoy fulfilling sexual experiences and also bring new variety into the bedroom.

If you’re unsure about how to navigate this or if your girlfriend has concerns, consider seeking the support of a sexologist or sex therapist. They can provide guidance on how to explore autosexuality in a healthy way within your relationship and continue to normalise the journey along the way. The most important thing to remember is that you and your girlfriend are a team, and open, respectful communication is key to keeping your relationship strong. By approaching the subject with care and consideration for her feelings, you can explore this aspect of your sexuality in a way that enhances your connection rather than diminishes it.

Good luck, and don’t forget to windex your mirrors before you use them!

Stay safe & stay sexy,

Jamie.

Jamie Bucirde has a postgraduate degree in sexology from Curtin University. Her advice is of a general nature and should be taken in the spirit of the column.