CityMag's inflammatory guide to what chocolate each person in your life deserves this Easter.

I was talking to someone that does a lot of yoga the other day … you know, the type of person who is really bendy and spends a lot of time bearing down and focussing in the hope that it’ll make them less of a shitty person.

Anyway, we were chatting and the conversation moved to what we had planned for the next week and they mentioned Easter was coming up and I said, “Ugh, that means I have to buy presents for people. I don’t know what to get anyone …”

Anthony went to university and whilst there developed a passion for writing about things that matter. It is, clearly, going very well.

“Why don’t you try carob instead of chocolate?” they said, “It’s a really great alternative.”

And they were right, I could try carob. But I enjoy having the will to live.

Easter, like any other commercialised holiday in a capitalist society where Apple, a corporation that relies on highly exploitative labour, is hailed as a beacon of justice and morality because it’s donating a portion of the profits from its ugly red iPhone to AIDS research (I mean, since when did a morally bankrupt corporation doing literally less than the bare minimum qualify as fucking missionary work?), is laden with overwhelming choice.

And because we’re helpful, and are gunning for a Walkley Award apparently, we want to help you make the right choices during your Very Stressful Easter chocolate shop.

You’re welcome.

Red Tulip

The Red Tulip bunny appears so excited it almost looks like an evil clown, which is convenient because Red Tulip does for chocolate what Stephen King did for clown bookings at children’s parties. It’s not the best.

However, if you look at Red Tulip chocolate through the lens of, say, conceptual art, it is quite successful. It has the look and feel and sugar of a chocolate Easter bunny but none of the flavour. It’s the concept of a chocolate Easter bunny with none of the pay off. Think of it like the new Royal Adelaide Hospital: Good in theory but actually non-functional in real life.

Who Would You Buy This For?

Someone who believes carob is just as good as chocolate and you don’t want to ruin that for them.

Lindt Bunny

Lindt bunnies are objectively pretty good and feel luxurious when they’re actually pretty reasonably priced. It’s all very champagne on a lemonade budget. It’s smooth, it’s creamy but very sweet … almost perfumey in taste. It can get to be a little overwhelming and heavy if consumed in excess (which we are all wont to do). But it’s classy and comes with that fabulous bell so it feels special.

Who Would You Buy This For?

Get this for someone who probably wants a Kinder bunny but, for whatever reason, you feel hasn’t earned it because of their personality or ethics. Example: Apple probably want a Kinder bunny for donating the tiniest portion of their ridiculous profit margins to AIDS research whilst still partaking in morally unsound (and downright evil) business practices. But I’m writing this on a Macbook so thanks, I guess.

Cadbury

Cadbury is fine. It’s great in some instances. It depends. Being the biggest chocolate manufacturer on the market means that in a time where choice is too abundant, Cadbury manages to outdo everyone. Plain eggs are okay. Crunchie eggs are amazing. Steer clear of Oreo eggs and if you must have a cream egg, just limit your intake to one unless you feel like running for the bathroom on the regular.

Who Would You Buy This For?

You don’t need to buy it. You probably have some in your cupboard from last Easter. Just re-gift, it takes over a year to go off. These are tough times, unless you are Apple. 

Haighs

Haighs is pricey for a reason. It’s good – no – it’s the best. It’s ethically manufactured and produced, it’s a South Australian business that creates jobs for a lot of people around Easter time. It is, most importantly, delicious. Whether you go dark, milk or white, the chocolate is creamy and rich without being overpoweringly sweet. There’s a depth of flavour here that you really can’t get anywhere else.  

Who Would You Buy This For?

You want to get a date? Haighs. You want your partner’s mum to like you? Haighs. Do you want random strangers at a party to like you? Haighs. Do you want to start liking yourself? Buy yourself Haighs.

Happy Easter/ Long Weekend from CityMag.

Unless you’re Apple or you eat carob.

Then we guess this weekend will be like any other – fairly joy free.